Grieving…. How My Only Fear Was So Peaceful

MY LAST MOMENTS I HAD WITH MY DAD AND NOW…..

First of all, Thank You for all of your lovely messages from clients and friends, they have given me so much comfort at what is a difficult time.

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I wanted to share with you my experience losing my Dad (Grieving my father) and what I went through in the days of early January 2021. I like to be real and honest as this is such a personal space for me to share and also to inspire.

Let me start at the beginning…. My Dad ‘Mohamed Yafai’ passed away on the 16th January 2021 at around 5:30pm at our home. My Dad was special, he came from minimal upbringings, to being in the Army in Qatar and then coming to England to give my Mom and what came, his children a better life.
A beautiful Dad who loved his wife and children so much.

My dad was 87 years when he passed and for the last 8 years my mom has been his full-time career. My mom went from looking after her children to looking after my dad. She’s an amazing woman too.
I decided not long ago to move home and be with my mom and dad to support them in any way I can as my dad was home bound, couldn’t walk and had dementia.

I won’t go into full detail, I just want to share with you most of my part, but not all.

You don’t realise how strong you are until you have to be.
On, Friday morning at 5am, I woke to my mom shouting me. My mom never wakes me so my initial thought was I was late for a client. Realising the time I rushed down stairs and my mom had already called the Ambulance. There I saw my dad barely conscious and breathing very erratically (This just happening over night). When I saw my dad that way, I was afraid as I felt deep down this was nearing the end of his life. I will tell you why I felt that…..

Prior to that Friday Morning, on previous days, my Dad had been refusing to eat and even not wanting to drink. This was unlike him. A part of me thought it was just his dementia and his stubborn ways he would have (His always been a pretty stubborn man), as he could be like that. He was unwell and not himself.

So, on that Tuesday before seeing a client that evening….. I said bye to my dad and gave him a kiss on his head as normal. In that moment he looked at me and I looked at him, what I felt was immense pain in my heart…. I believe he felt in his heart that he new he was going to pass and in that moment a tear came from his eye (Like he was afraid or saddened).
I had to leave as I didn’t want to cry in front of him and my mom and when I got in the car I called my brother and couldn’t stop crying….. I said to him what I had seen and begged him to please go and see your dad because I feel he doesn’t have long left.

Then, Just over 2 days later he is in hospital….. That morning when the ambulance came to get him, all they could say is that he is really unwell and we needed to get him to A&E immediately.

Due to covid and Dad having dementia we could only have one person at a time at the hospital. In the morning my one brother went up to the hospital for a couple of hours to see what was happening. So, at this point we didn’t know what was going on.
Then I got the call from my sister, who told me they can’t do anymore and that Dad was dying and oxygen is all we can give him now…… Myself and my sister cried in pain, it was crying like I have never felt before.

I wanted to see him and I swapped places with my brother at midday Friday to be with Dad and get everything sorted for him to be with his family when he passed.

I sat in a private cubicle just my Dad and myself, for over 8 hours with just a bottle of water. It’s amazing how resilient you can be in those moments. In those 8 hours were one of saddest but most beautiful moments I have ever had with Dad.
He was barely conscious but he knew I was there with him.
Throughout the whole time I didn’t leave his side, and he squeezed my finger throughout the whole time and wouldn’t let go…. It was like he was letting me know it was ok. I cried so much with him, I stroked his shoulder and chest while he held me…. I spoke to him about old times together.

I wanted to also be as strong as I could for him…. so, I let him know he was safe and it was ok to let go now and be at peace. I let him know to be with Allah now and be with your son ‘Anwar’ again.
My dad lost a son before I was born, and my mom told me that he cried so much when he passed. I wanted to reassure him myself and the family loved him so much and everything is going to be ok.

I couldn’t of asked for anymore in that moment, it was very hard and hard to see my dad in that way but I was able to give him all my energy, let him know everything was ok and I wouldn’t leave him. I said my farewell to him and yes……. it was sad but beautiful at the same time and something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

“My biggest and only fear was losing my dad, because I had not experienced such a loss in my life and I knew it was coming soon“

The next morning after Dad came home, I woke up as my mom wanted to sleep downstairs with him. I didn’t sleep much that night and things were gradually getting worse for Dad.

Before Dad passed, myself and family that were there would take time to sit with him and talk with him. Mid-afternoon I went out for a walk to clear my head and leave voice notes to my clients that I won’t be in work the following week. For some reason that was playing on my mind, I felt I couldn’t rest fully until I did that.

I came home and in that time I was out my Dads breathing had already become more shallow and relaxed. I actually thought it would do me good to get out but seeing my dad change in an hour, Set me off again and I cried as I could feel we were losing him quicker than I expected…..
When I did, my amazing younger brother, who is a very spiritual person said to me:

“Remember Basim, what you are seeing now is just his physical form in pain…. Part of Dads spirit is not here and already on it’s way out”

I then went over to Dad, and looked at him, and in that moment realised it just wasn’t him anymore…. Everyone in my family played a part in the these moments and my younger brother played his part beautifully because I felt so calm after that.

When my Dad did pass, it was me, my brother and mom in the living room…. When I realised he was probably going to take his last breath, I told my brother. We both stood up and both looked at mom and said “Mom come over“…. She was so scared, and she came over and then my mom asked “What’s the matter“. I said “Mom, Dad’s taking his lasts breaths“.
My mom laid over him and put her hand on his chest and whispered prayers in his ear and how much she loved him. You couldn’t see my dads chest going up and down and my mom said “I can still feel his heart” maybe hoping he was still breathing. My mom in that moment, got to feel his last heart beat.

We all cried but it was such a peaceful end…… My fear became so peaceful and one of the reasons because I was able to face that fear and embrace it.
I am human and there were moments I cried in pain within myself but I always came back to the present to face it head on and be with Dad, Mom and the family.

We buried our Father on Tuesday 19th January 2021, 2pm at the War Cemetery in Brierley Hill.

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I was so close to my dad, he took care of me every way a dad can take care of his son. He did his best. I was so glad I was able to be there in every way I could in those last moments. I couldn’t leave his side for long. I said what I needed to say and said my goodbyes when it was just me and him and I thank God for that.

I will grieve, and I will learn to live without my dad but I will never forget him….. With losing someone, there is no escaping your post feelings, you have to go through the motions, talk about it and let it out. In time you will heal.

Remember my fear of my Dad passing, had been built up over time and having the unknown of not being able to experience a close loved one passing. If you have that fear, talk to someone who is able to put it all into prospective for you. You will never prepare for what will happen but you can change your belief system around it.

“It’s not our thoughts that we have fear of OR hurt us, it’s the thoughts we attach ourselves to that hurt us”

When I grieve, I grieve with my mom and support her. My heart goes to my mom who she lost someone she had been with for over 50 years, and it was only right she would feel his last heart beat. I love you forever Dad, Rest in Power.
Fall on me when I need your energy